Michael on 2026-01-06
My identity was stolen long before any of you knew what identity theft was. 50 years ago, to be somewhat precise. Today was the final step of my journey to find out who I am, and more importantly for me, why I am. And tomorrow I will hear the result of that final step and then the rest of my life can begin.
I have received an autism diagnosis. Now I can start to recover my identity.
It was in early 2025 when I had a mini-lightbulb moment while watching the Traitors on TV. One of the people playing was a little different to the rest, and when he outed himself as autistic I realised I was seeing myself. Representation matters, as they say.
Not long after, I was reading Mastodon and, as anyone who follows the same circle of people I do will know, it felt like everyone was autistic or had ADHD. Some people even say they are “actually autistic”, which I assume is just a snarky way of saying not everyone is autistic. I said to my wife, “I’ve decided I’m autistic. Everyone else is!”. It was a glib, throwaway statement that at the time I didn’t realise was a subconscious attempt by me to ask, “Am I autistic?”.
It was days later, when we were discussing it again, that Gill said to me, “When you said you had decided you were autistic, I thought, ‘Oh, of course! That explains it!’”. And when we talk about “it” here, we are talking about specifically the more than 20 years Gill has known me, and also the 50 years I’ve been, well, autistic.
What followed was a period of thinking about what I wanted to do next. I’m good at thinking about things. Analysing. Wondering about the outcomes. My biggest concern was being told that I wasn’t autistic, because if not that then why the hell am I the way I am?
As time went on something became clear to me, and that was that I somehow knew inside where this was all headed. Yes, there was a chance I wouldn’t get a diagnosis, but I just knew that was unlikely. Finally, something made sense about who I was and why.
We tried to organise a private assessment through a local healthcare provider, but they were disorganised and ultimately unhelpful. The vibe I got wasn’t got, and so I abandoned the idea for a while. But I never stopped thinking about it.
Then in the latter part of the year, Gill mentioned that she had found another place that provided autism assessments. This time, I contacted them myself and within days the assessment process was started.
This involved three stages, all of which followed the current best practice for autism assessments. Initially, I had to complete a screening questionnaire. I received this one afternoon and decided to complete it the next day after a good night’s sleep. At 00:30 and being unable to sleep at all, I gave up and started to complete the questionnaire. I finished it and sent it back somewhere around 02:00 that morning. At this point, I immediately thought, “I’ve fucked this up, no one will think I am anything other than bang-average normal” and so on.
About a week later I received a phone call. My questionnaire showed string indications of autism. It also showed indications of ADHD due to questions around attentiveness. Based on these findings I decided I wanted to go ahead with the full autism assessment.
Brief aside; after the autism assessment and in-person meetings, the ADHD indications were considered to be explained by the autistic traits and a further ADHD-specific assessment was not recommended.
The next step was two sessions which clinical psychologists. The first involved me and my wife being interviewed by a psychologist. This was a very emotional situation for me, so much so that I couldn’t answer the first question and instead broke down in tears. After a couple of hours the session ended, and I broke down sobbing. I have never been able to tell anyone the things we discussed and now it was all out there, I was drained and emotional.
A week later I had my final session with a different clinical psychologist, just me this time, which was observed by the first psychologist. This involved a number of elements, puzzles, story-telling, conversations and so on. After everything I had previously been through I didn’t struggle emotionally so much, but a couple of things did give me pause.
All that was left was to wait. The two psychologists had to meet to discuss all the sessions and their findings, before I could be given feedback.
Thankfully, I only had to wait 24 hours for the phone call that changed my life; I was given an autism diagnosis.
Subsequently, I have felt numb, like a fraud, happy, almost giddy with relief, worried, anxious (I mean, obviously), and just…what do I do now?
This is the answer I have wanted for years. I have been through talking therapy and CBT before. CBT worked. Talking therapy was a waste of my time. But through it all, I wanted to know why. Why am I like this?
And now I know.
I’ve had time to sit with this, but I have yet to seriously think about what my new life will be like. I’ve lived for so long and found ways of coping, that I am unsure if I need further support. The recommendation was to take 6-8 weeks to come to terms with the diagnosis and to consider any next steps. I’m about half way through that period and only now am I starting to think about how to apply my new knowledge to my life from now on.
My main thought so far is that the diagnosis has helped me stop berating myself for my behaviour in some situations. I have spent so long assuming that everyone thinks the way I do, but are just so much better at dealing with things, i.e. I am pathetic and rubbish. But now I have learned that the truth is more like I am running a different OS to other people, and my inability to deal with certain situations is not a failing, it’s just my runtime!
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